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Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Love letter

Waiting. On a train platform. A train ticket in one hand, a love letter in the other. Saying goodbye to a great love, as well as a warm and fuzzy fantasy. A fantasy of you, as I wanted you to be. 

Although I promised myself I won't fall in love again, you appeared and broke down all my walls. You, with your warm smile and calm demeanor.  You, with your gentleness and your sensibility. Or laughing with a sheepish smile and cracking a joke that led the conversation to unexpected terrain. I fell in love with you although I tried running away from it and tried suppressing any type of romantic feelings towards you. 

When you wanted it, I ran away. When I finally wanted it, you said no. You healed my heart, but broke it at the same time. True, getting attached to a tumultuous soul like mine could easily combust you. But I felt you had the power to withstand it. You were my sea, able to contain the fire within my heart. You, with your mental fortitude. You, who could handle well any crisis. You, with your little quirks. Like jumping out and helping people whenever they needed it, in spite of them being too proud to admit it. Because they were too "independent, no help needed". Well, it turned out I needed you. 

I may think I know all the truth in the world, but the real truth is different. You taught me that although we are strong enough to survive on our own, loves gives us a power we never knew we had. Having someone who loves you and whom you love realigns your world into a beautiful tomorrow. 

I saw a different part of the world with you. Pure happiness - outside, on a sunny day, walking on a mountain path, with you by my side, pretended to be too absorbed by the view but in fact too shy to say anything. Because there was "always a next time to talk". It turns out that opportunities have an expiration date. The universe will get sick of helping you, if you repeatedly turn down its help. My insecurity and my inflated ego was my death sentence.  

When I finally confessed and you said no, I tried cutting all ties with you to allow myself to heal and move on. And clearly, time away from you was what I needed. Meeting you again, I was surprised how well I fared. Nothing. Not even a heartbeat or a tingling in your presence. Or so I thought. Until I heard that song. A song that I associated so deeply with you that every memory of you came tumbling into my mind, threatening to flow down my cheekbones. Luckily, I closed my eyes before you could see anything. My heart physically hurt, for the first time in my life, at a mere song. I had ended up creating a connection with you that left deep marks within my soul and now I was experiencing the aftereffects. And it hurt like crazy.  Especially since you appeared to have replaced my companionship quite easily. 

And perhaps this was the greatest wake-up call - the fantasy came shattering down and the real truth slapped me right in the face - you never loved me, and you never would. That future together, hand in hand, on a mountain hill, was never going to happen. Nor would we get to teach our children the beauty of the mountain, because your plans do not involve me. Never did, never will. 

There is a theory that everyone falls in love three times throughout their lives. The first love teaches you the beauty of falling in love, while carrying the truth that not all relationships last forever; the second love is an intense love, that can turn your world upside down and reveal your inner insecurities, leaving you stranded on an island of  heartbreak; the third love is the unconditional love, the unexpected love, with the hint of forever. 

So, my love, I bid you farewell, through this love letter. I will no longer try to hold onto hope and mold you into my self-made fantasy. Thank you for teaching me what I want from love, and what I don't. It was a beautiful love which helped me grow and evolve. And I pray you stay happy and healthy. 

Goodbye, my second love, 
M



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