A cry for a sign

Today I'm too upset to think straight. I'm upset about the fact that my indecisiveness has caused me harm and has therefore prevented me from advancing on my personal and professional road. I have given into temptation and I have chosen a smaller stress over a bigger one, which could have brought me greater fulfillment and happiness. But I got lazy and complacent and I said "Everything will be okay, it will solve out by itself". But guess what: it didn't. My conscience wouldn't allow me to be happy, I would start losing sleep over my decision, I would literary hurt physically from it. Giving up a part of one's dream and settling for less often causes insomnia, lack of direction in life, a feeling of emptiness.

My father would say that my dreams are often too surreal and too big, impossible to follow, just like a child's. And I often relax too much in that thought, thinking that no matter how much I struggle, I would never be able to fulfill them, so it's better to just dream them and never take any concrete action. The problem is that as time flies by, I realise that I couldn't get the most out of my life, because I was busy dreaming and at the same time, busy in choosing a life I knew I wouldn't be entirely happy with, instead of just being myself. I know I should be happy with my situation now, because others would struggle a ton in order to have these things I already have: a loving family, a warm home, possibility to follow a PhD in my small hometown, but still, a PhD, maybe even get a job.

But I long  for more. I long for a big city, a well-paid job, which I could love dearly and which could allow me to travel around the world and see new cultures, meet new people, hear new life stories, write more about life. I long for a PhD I could do on a theme that I like, at a university that matters. My problems are too "big" and too meaningless: live with my parents, small pay, "decent" job, small town, stability, get married before 30, have 3 kids, bald husband or head into an unknown big city, live a reckless and passionate love, find my real calling and see the world, without giving a s***t about social expectations and general gossip? I envy someone I know who managed to do just that - I am not that courageous :(